I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
