Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
