You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
