someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We have started to decorate penises.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
