I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
