I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
