If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
