Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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