If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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