Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
