Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
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Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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