I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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