I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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