I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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