im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
