I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
