Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
