Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
