He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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