I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
