are you so shy because you have an std?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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