I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
