these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
