Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning