When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
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I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
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winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.