I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something