i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Panties = found
Randomize
