I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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