I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
