Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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