there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
