Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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