We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
