i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Michael Bay diarrhea
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
