You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
