i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
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