the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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