I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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