I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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