Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
