it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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