She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
