Sober January is a disaster.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
