whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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