Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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