apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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