she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
