hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
