my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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