Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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