he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
