I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
