I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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