dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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