my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
