So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
