my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
