the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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