All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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