there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
