I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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