Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
